I am SO not loving it right now

Being a mom, that is. I used to think it was horrible to feel this way, and that it made me a bad mom. But dammit, it’s freaking hard work and it’s so emotionally draining, that it can only be natural to feel this way sometimes. I quit beating myself up over it after I recovered from PPD.

This past week I have wanted to remove the mom hat from my head and throw it into the Mississippi River and watch it float away into the distance. There are times that having kids spaced so far apart has been wonderful. But something about the combo of a 9-year-old girl and a nearly 2-year-old boy is absolutely hideous. It’s like they have both hit a very difficult age, and the range of conflict it causes in the family is absolutely insane.

I thought I wanted to wring Emma’s neck yesterday, but OMG this morning I damn near did it. And I think it would have felt sickeningly good. OK, so maybe I wasn’t that close to doing it, but if you’ve been a mom for ten minutes, you know that feeling. 😛

Being a mom is such a conflict of human nature, or at least MY nature. You love your kids more than anything on earth, and it’s such a deep and instinctual thing. You would jump in front of a car or bullet for them without having to think about it for a millionth of a second. But then again they aggravate the absolute PISS out of you most of the time. I will admit to being a bit of a selfish sort, and want/need time to myself to do what I want to do. I’m not much of a giver outside of what I do for my kids. But this type of personality doesn’t mesh well with having kids. You have to give more of yourself than you even knew you had…and still have to dig up way more. And it’s NEVER enough.

When couples decide to venture into parenthood, they weigh the pros and cons of how it will affect their life and what sacrifices they will have to make. They think about things like having to vacation less, giving up a room in their house for the kid, changing their budget around, finding babysitters, your figure going to shit, etc. Oh but they just have no clue. Those aren’t sacrifices. They totally don’t realize that what they are really giving up:

  • going to the bathroom when your body tells you to (and being able to go alone)
  • hot meals (or eating at all)
  • watching television that doesn’t involve purple dinosaurs or ugly Australian men singing & dancing (OK, Anthony is hot, especially since his hair started graying)
  • of course the sacred act of sleeping
  • your free time (I recall something vaguely many years ago, but I think this is a myth)
  • daily showers
  • your name (you will only use that for writing checks, because you are now MAMAMAMAMA! or MOOOOOOM! depending on the child’s age)
  • storing things in lower cabinets
  • remote controls & cordless phones (those will be thrown in the trash by the darling wee one. thank God for universal remotes at $12 a pop)
  • reading or talking on the phone in peace (as well as being able to write a blog entry bitching about parenting)
  • your sense of style, or even giving two shits about it (it’s tshirts and sweat pants from here on out, baby)
  • having pleasurable shopping trips
  • eating ice cream without sharing (although I do suggest locking yourself in the bathroom to eat it if you’re feeling especially selfish…and yes I have done this more than a few times)
  • most of all, your sanity, independence, and sense of control

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, ugh.

I’m not going to qualify all this with something like “but parenting is the most rewarding job and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” Sometimes it just sucks, and it’s OK to say so.


5 Responses to “I am SO not loving it right now”

  1. 1 esotericgirl
    April 15, 2005 at 1:49 pm

    Not being a parent I can’t relate really…… well I guess not a all… but to a childless person you certainly don’t sound selfish, or awful, or mean or anything at all of the sort. You sound like a normal human being.. and you have given me more things to add to my list of “should we have kids”. haha Hang in there hon, go out on the porch / patio / whatever… have a glass of wine or beverage of your choice, and enjoy the beautiful day, if only for a few minutes.

  2. 2 Debbie
    April 15, 2005 at 6:04 pm

    Aww Mel– I know your pain all too well some days, and I only have one child!! 😀
    Hang in there Mel.

  3. 3 Genevieve
    April 16, 2005 at 6:15 pm

    Aw, Mel! I can’t imagine dealing with a pre-teen girl and a 2 year old boy at once! Some days dealing with a preschooler and a toddler is madness enough. I really relate to your post, though, and hope you have a few better (or at least calmer) days ahead. I agree with the first comment… get thee a drink, woman! ((HUG))

  4. 4 Kim
    April 19, 2005 at 9:59 am

    Mel I can identify 100% with everything you said. I have days where I want to literally throw them all in the front yard and lock the door so they can’t get back in. Erik is a blessing but at times a huge pain in my ass. It’s ok to feel that way – I decided that. 🙂 And yes Anthony is pretty hot with his graying hair. Like Gen said, get thee a drink woman!

  5. 5 AmICrazyYet
    May 11, 2005 at 10:56 pm

    I feel you pain and even ate my mint chocolate chip in the locked bathroom with the water turned on the other day as the little devil spawn beat at the door.

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