Weaning :(

It’s time. Boy is not going to be happy about it one bit. It’s such an emotional roller coaster to give it up, I sure have enjoyed nursing him. But, it’s time for me to get my freedom and sense of self back. I need to be able to leave him with a babysitter and know he won’t have a meltdown without me. I haven’t been away from him since he was born in June last year, over 14 months. This is SO incredibly hard, but I know it’s best for both of us. Of course it will be a gradual process to make it easier on us. I hate the way I feel so torn over it, part of me wants my independence back so badly that I could scream, yet it’s so hard to let go of that indescribable bond you feel while nursing. The feeling of that soft warm body drifting off to sleep up against your skin. The feeling of knowing you are giving your baby the most incredible gifts, the gift of perfect nutrition, your touch, your smell, the sound of your heartbeat, the bond, the trust, and so many other things. He just loves all of those things, and it’s hard to take them away from him. 😦

In a way I feel so selfish, but have to remind myself that I have given myself up to him since he was born. I have given him everything in me, plus more I didn’t even know I had. I don’t know why it was so different with him than when I had Girl. Maybe because I worked and she was born into being babysat, she was bottle-fed once I went back to work, and I had more of a life since I did have a job. She was also just a much more easy-going baby, she was a much easier baby in general than Boy is. She didn’t demand so much of me, and as long as she had her needs met by someone, she was happy. Boy, on the other hand, must have ME, and nobody else will do.

I’m not normally the sappy type, but I think this suits me at the moment:

I know I look so big to you, maybe I seem too big for the needs I have. But no matter how big we get, we still have needs that are important to us. I know that our relationship is growing and changing, but I still need you. I need your warmth and closeness, especially at the end of the day when we snuggle up in bed. Please don’t get too busy for us to nurse. I know you think I can be patient, or find something to take the place of a nursing; A book, a glass of something, but nothing can take your place when I need you. Sometimes just cuddling with you, having you near me is enough. I guess I am growing and becoming independent, but please be there. This bond we have is so strong and so important to me, please don’t break it abruptly. Wean me gently, because I am your mother, and my heart is tender. ~from breastfeeding.com

It took me an hour to get him down for his nap without nursing him and giving him a cup of milk instead, but finally he went down. He cried quite a bit and kept looking at me like he didn’t understand why I wouldn’t nurse him. Ahhh, but that’s enough of that. I don’t want to be sad.

Girl met her teacher last night and put her school supplies in her desk. Tomorrow is the first day of school. We have had a really good summer and I sure will miss her. She and I were able to catch up a bit from the chaotic first year of Boy being with us, and has been tons of help. She has really enjoyed her baby brother and has had a blast seeing him do new things. This has definitely been the best summer break she’s had, she never even got bored!

She’s a little bummed that her best friends aren’t in her class, but she does have some good pals sitting right next to her in class and that thrilled her. πŸ™‚ Her teacher seems like she’s a good mix of fun and hardass, which is perfect for Girl. The classroom looks really organized, much like the teacher she had in kindergarten (who was AWESOME). I think it’s going to be a good school year for Girl. πŸ™‚

Well, I better get my lunch before Boy wakes up.



1 Response to “Weaning :(”

  1. 1 dscokween
    August 18, 2004 at 3:26 pm

    oh, duh, you already posted this. Makes me bawl every time.

    We’re down to nursing once or twice a day. Emma refused last night and this morning. I was so stinking sad. I know how you feel.

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